Enter the dark caverns, within this book as I alumina the perplexing vexes Schizophrenia predisposes one too.
See this not yet visible to the human eye.
climb out of any pit you
were thrown into.
View the
future;
as never before.
Stay tuned. A preview of my latest...
Schizophrenic Journey
The Book of Victor
By: James Osowski
Osowski Publications
@www.to-the-top.biz
o August 2013
©James Osowski 3rd Edition o Lulu
Publications & Osowski Publications o 1st Edition 2009 & 2nd Edition 2011 o 2nd Edition Lulu Publications 2011 o 1th Edition Osowski Publications 2013
2013 all Rights Reserved Copyright © James J T Osowski
This work may not be copied, reproduced in any fashion
without “Expressed Permission” from Osowski Publications.
ISBN 13: 978-0-578-13611-0
Dedicated for:
Mom & Dad
Too: You!
In appreciation of
Being up before dawn
Crisp crunch of the snow
Beneath my feet
Making firewood the crack and
split-ting
I bring the warmth to our family
Even in disjointedness, there
are joys
To say the least,
My spiritual battles are
Entertaining
To say it best.
Connectedness with the loves
Of our life
Admiration from a loving family
The bright smile of our eight
year old
As he learns to catch the
football
All these things and more
Bring me happiness
Driving to the store
A walk in the wilderness
The treasure of our
thirty-year-old daughter
The mysteries of seventeen
And finding identity
And you!
Table of Contents
1.
MY STRUGGLES WITH LIFE AND SCHIZOPHRENIA
I provide a brief overview
of my life; my developmental years; the onslaught of my mental illness. I
provide likely examples of my growing up experiences and allude to how this may
have shaped how the Phantom; schizophrenia, first reared its ugly head.
2.
THE TRUTH IS TOLD ...EATING MY WORDS...
Why
are there such a high percentage of America’s mental health patients
incarcerated, misdiagnosed, and forever trapped by their mental torment? The
answers are divergent, as complex as, say, there are various schizophrenics.
Schizophrenia
sschiz·o·phre·ni·a
schiz·o·phre·ni·a [skìtsə
frnee ə] n
1. p sychiatry psychiatric
disorder affecting the coherence of the personality: a severe psychiatric
disorder with symptoms of emotional instability, detachment from reality, often
with delusions and hallucinations, and withdrawal into the self
2. o ffensive term: an
offensive term for contradictory or conflicting attitudes, behavior, or
qualities [Early 20th century. Coined from schizo- + Greek phrēn “mind” (see
phreno-).
3. ]Encarta ® World English
Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
shows itself in a person’s life in a
way that is indicative of their life’s experiences. My experiences of a deep
spiritual upbringing colored my mental torment in the form of a spiritual
nature, a world of spirits distorted and disjointing me from the world and
reality. Here in the Book are my stories of how spirits controlled my thoughts,
my behaviors and me and how medication and good relationships has helped me
overcome its effects.
I start with my stories, stories of
how I developed, and how the mysteries of a “normal life” so eluded me, and how
a chemical imbalance in the brain
xi
can determine how well we function.
People with mental health problems are generally very complex intelligent
individuals who simply need understanding and guidance. Within and between the
lines of this book you will find yourself or the person you love; even the
psycho you see on the street. There were aspects of my life that were very
normal yet I was not functioning well. My life brought me the fruits of despair
and mental torment. I intend that you should understand what makes us tick. We
hope that you or a loved one might see a life of peace and contentment. I would
also like to dispel all the bizarre misconceptions people in this country have
about what schizophrenics are like…
I first had the notion to write a
book as a teenager battling with life. Little did I know my entire journey thus
far has been preordained to this end … this book? On the other hand, was this
book my means of self-discovery? It is a mirror for schizophrenics and the
people who love and want to help them. My story’s and my schizophrenia produced
such outlandish imagining that was so real they took away my identity. I became
lost in the shuffle of life and did not find anything like a life worth living
until I found the proper medication because people began to take an interest in
how I was doing.
My story is a mirror for anyone to
see there is hope, and there are answers if you look; we can still be in one
accord; even in the completion of this book. As you have journeyed through your
life and read my book you may find many similarities, many of the same
experiences may well serve as your answers to the riddles of your life. What
are the keys to happiness? Read on and you may find your own key.
In the writing of this book, I have
laughed cried and disparaged over its content or whether I could ever
accomplish such a task.
Yet;
Here I am, in your hands. All the
pain and suffering is counted as nothing compared to how much I wish for you or
your loved one to be loved, understood, accepted, and transformed. You might be
shocked by some of its content and what it says about me as a person, I do not
propose I am anything like perfect; I still face the same battles you do every
day. I simply tell my story.
PREFACE
xii
Schizophrenic Journey
What you see is not always, what you get
Garamond: 11pt. Garamond: 12pt. Bold
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
PREFACE
INTRODUCTION
Having been diagnosed as
schizophrenic I experienced the Jesus Christ
syndrome. I took on the guilt of the entire world. I took the blame,
inside, for the weather, the earthquakes and plane crashes. Reading the book
“It has been in me all along”, he was holding me responsible for the river of
blood. Feeling that river of blood was (figuratively speaking) all the deaths
of the unborn babies of this time; and were my entire fault. I spent years
turning that power and responsibility back over to something or someone else.
It is a daily ritual spending hours
in my chair listening to music, smoking cigarettes and fighting my way back to
reality. It is more than enough for me to just deal with the sins I have
committed, let alone everyone else s’ sins and all the mishaps that occur daily
throughout the world. For years and even still, I could not even watch the news
for fear I would go back into that forbidding place of omnipotent shame and
guilt. Sometimes I felt so low about myself that I attempted to end it all by
trying to take my own life. To this day, I remember how Victor convicted me
about my suicidal thoughts and actions. He told me I had some mitigating Gaul
to try to determine that I had the right to determine when I was to leave this
world. 2
Over
the years, I have also felt people knew I was a strange creation that indeed
has powers over such things. I would and still sometimes feel people were
sending me messages telepathically, that they wanted me dead. I deserved to die
and cast into hell, eternally cut off from Victor.
For me, that would be pure hell,
cast to a place all alone and cut off from people. Now that I am trying to live
my life as I feel Victor, wants me to I have a lot less trouble realizing
people are not sending me messages, not even through other Medias like radio or
TV.
Yet today I still have trouble
trying to determine good messages from bad messages. I still have trouble
knowing when a person or media has a message that clearly needs to be adhered.
Another major obstacle is that my mind constantly tells me “That is a sign!”,
when I see things that to my mixed-up mind could somehow be a message or
portend from Victor. They tell me I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that
causes me to lose sight of and grip-on reality. I take three major anti-psychotic
medications that are supposed to help eliminate these bad effects from this
mental disorder. I refer to my problems, the bad voices as a Phantom Friend
“I hope you do not mind. In
addition, my good voices as Victor so as not to offend anyone; these were my
good voices though at times I could not tell the difference. As Webster’s puts
it a phantom is something that exists but has no physical reality; a ghost”.
In my traverse, I have spoken to
many such ghosts. Some friendly, some so abhorrent I would find it hard to put
to words, as it only exists in my mind, “so they tell me.” In this book, I
shall take you on some of the journeys that trapped me, for that are exactly
how I felt in these deep dark underworlds. Please do not be afraid, I will not
leave you to the darkness.
Discovering this book has been a
lifelong venture. It is not what I once thought it would be. It is evolving as
I speak. It is a true story, my story. The experiences described within are
surreal, bizarre, and border on insane. With great pains, I undertake a mission
to uncover the secrets of a life that until now were unbearable. I would like
to take you on a journey.
INTRODUCTION 3
